Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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