I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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