Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
