just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
