I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize