She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
