Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
