My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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