His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize