it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
