I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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