I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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