I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
