Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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