U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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