Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
