I feel like I'm in dance class right now
this beer tastes like vomit already
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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