Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
