ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How's work?
Spinning.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
