i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
