Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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