is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
