hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
