he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
