god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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