Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm always down for nudity.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
