I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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