believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
