I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
