Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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