I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize