think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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