I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
