remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
