Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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