fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
