Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
