I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
