i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize