My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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