I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
