It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
