I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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