I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
