everyone is single if you try hard enough
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
