my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
