I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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