I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
