I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
