i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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