I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
