Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
