Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
