i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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