My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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